For a few months I have been thinking about the role of self love and self compassion in our healing. I think it is because it is something that I have struggled with myself and I see many of my clients struggle with allowing space to have self compassion. My parents instilled the value of being of service to others was always put above ones needs. I was taught rest was ok only if one was physically ill and being reliable, punctual, hardworking, kind, generous and polite was always the goal. While I still see all these qualities as positive, the pressure to be these things all the time created a lot of anxiety within me, as well as a judgmental attitude toward myself or others that also did not uphold these values in their daily actions. I feel a lot of remorse for being in the world in this way.
It also made me disconnect from my own needs, so much so that at times I wouldn’t even know what I needed but I knew I was tired and upset, but unsure of why. Living in this way lead to burn out and confusion. I also believe that moving through the world with anxiety, tension, and judgement negatively impacts those around us. Sometimes, the regret I feel can be overpowering, and I wonder how can I be kind to myself even when I don’t like myself or I don’t like my behavior.
One of the first practices that truly helped me was The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook by Kristen Neff and Christopher Germer. The kind and gentle approach it took toward ones needs, noticing how emotions felt in the body, and showing gratitude for oneself, even the difficult parts of ourself, was revolutionary to me. It helped me slow down and notice how gentle and kind one has to be with oneself for healing to take place.
Then, a week or so ago, I stumbled upon a video interviewing a man who had been in prison for taking another’s life when he was 15 years old, and how he had to learn self love while imprisoned. The idea needing self love even when do something truly harmful, when our whole life seems defined by our worst moment, and how it is still necessary to respect ourselves in order to be of service to the world, really transformed my thoughts about healing, purpose, and how we can achieve what we wish to become. All our actions, big and small, impact the world. Our small moments of self love and gratitude impact more than just ourselves, and allow us to become the humans that we long to be. It is the inverse from how I originally learned how to live, but the hoped for outcome is the same.
I deeply appreciated JJs honesty and vulnerability, and I am so grateful for finding his story. I am thankful for his openness, and it has enabled me to be vulnerable in this post. I hope this has been a helpful and relatable post. Sending love and respect to any readers.